A Crooked Nose
by ShadowChik
Summary: Angelina, Alicia, and Katie discuss whose fault the loss to Hufflepuff was in the Locker Room. A tortured orphan, or a beautiful boy? A oneshot parody in response to the many Casanova!Cedric fics out there. [COMPLETE]


A/N: This is in response to all the fics that are popping up where Cedric plays a, well, player. I've never really seen this in his character in any of the books, but it could also be becasuse I'm a canon freak. I think everyone must have gotten in from the GOF movie, becasue they just started popping up a few weeks ago. But you know. Whatever. Just a little joking around is all. Don't take it personally.

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It was unusually quiet between the three chasers as they pulled off their Quidditch robes. Usually they were chatting up a storm—but not today. Today was the day that they had horribly, awfully, dismally, wrongly, and against all of the laws of the universe been beaten by Hufflepuff. Just because _Potter _has to be his usual dramatic self and try to save the Wizarding World as they knew it. Or else fall off his broom. Usually one or the other.

As soon as they had found out that he was, indeed, alive, Angelina stomped off to the showers. She was followed closely by Oliver Wood, who was looking quite dejected and even a titch suicidal. Alicia and Katie were quick to hurry after her. Best friends don't desert each other, and all that. Screw Oliver.

Now, they were currently clammed up and each lost in their own thoughts. That is, until Angelina had to say what they all were thinking.

"Think Harry is too preoccupied with his own tragic past and all that to pay any mind to Quidditch?" She asked this idly and tied her shoe.

They were quiet as they considered this. Alicia supposed that if she had been unfortunately orphaned at the age of one, she might just fall off _her_ broom once in a while, too. Katie supposed that if a mass murderer wanted to eat her guts for breakfast, she might just be a little distracted, too. Angelina wondered what took them so bloody long to answer.

There was no doubt about it…You just couldn't blame things on a parentless boy who was wanted by a mass murderer. They're just too confused and sensitive and full of internal emotional turmoil/teenage angst. So Alicia said the next best thing.

"Y'know…It might have been Diggory's fault that we lost. Maybe we're putting too much of it on Harry. Poor squirt. He _is_ an orphan, y'know. Parents zapped right in front of him."

Of course! This made the most logical sense. There is a long history of orphans whose parents get zapped right in front of them, and they go on to lead long and tragic lives. Sometimes they even fall off of brooms when attacked by soul-sucking demons! It was just the way of things. But wait…

Katie spoke up. "No! Cedric is too good-looking and nice to do something as awful as that!"

This was the part that befuddled them all! After all, Cedric was quite good-looking. It would be a scientific anomaly! All good-looking people were quite nice and let people walk all over them quite often…it was because they couldn't help it!

Angelina had been considering what the other two had been saying, and just couldn't help but stand up for poor Cedric.

"He is really very nice. And good-looking. Hey, hasn't he dated about then entire student population since he's been here?"

Alicia and Katie thought back. They really only remembered him ever dating Cho, that slut from the Ravenclaw team. But at the same time, they vaguely remembered Oliver saying something about Hogsmeade, and rumors about a couple of other girls. Katie thought that their names may have been Mary Sue something, and Out Of C. whatserface. She couldn't remember.

But the same conclusion apparently came to both of them: It was apparently quite popular to Date Cedric Diggory. So they fibbed little fibs.

"I've dated him." Alicia told Angelina pompously.

"Well, I've dated him twice." Katie told them both smugly. They both looked at her, and she shrugged. "It didn't work out the first time. You know. Long distance and all that."

Angelina and Alicia both nodded understandingly. _Of course_ they knew. They were dating Victor Krum and the captain from the Chudley Cannons respectively. It was very difficult to keep up relationships under so much strain.

"Know what?" Angelina told them, and they both looked up. "I think it was Diggory's fault. Betcha he _was _the one to beat us!"

Alicia and Katie gasped. No! This was impossible! The laws of the universe…

"He isn't really all that pretty." Angelina completed.

Alicia and Katie both felt shudders down to their pinkie toes, and all of a sudden the room felt freezing cold…as if it was Cedric Diggory's having an Out Of Body Experience and trying to tell them that he was actually, really quite handsome!

Quite strange.

Angelina's intense observation brought both of them to their senses, however. Slowly, and scarily enough, they were beginning to agree with her.

"Yeah. That ugly comb-over that he's got. Can you say 'middle aged man slowly balding'?" Alicia pointed this out in a disgusted voice. Strangely enough, Angelina and Katie were forced to agree with her. What _was_ with that comb-over, anyways?

Katie was forced to agree after that.

"His eyes look quite close together. Looks like he's about to bug out any second. Like one of those squeezy toys." Alicia and Angelina nodded earnestly. It _did_ look like his eyeballs were about to pop out of his head!

Angelina couldn't help it. She had to throw in her comment.

"Y'know…I think that his nose is a bit crooked." Alicia and Katie gawked. As If there wasn't anythingworse than a crooked nose. Harsh.

In other words… "Cedric Diggory is ugly." Alicia admitted.

"I'll never date him again," Katie declared.

"It wasn't Harry that lost us the game…It was Diggory!" Angelina cried out.

It had been so obvious! Of course tortured orphans wouldn't lose the game for you. They have their own adgendas, sure. But they definitely wouldn't lose you the game.

However, it was the ugly ones that you had to watch out for.

Which is the exact reason why, when the chasers trumped into the Hospital Room, they were quite quick to Blame It On Diggory.

You just couldn't leave something like that on the mind of a tortured orphan bent on saving the Wizarding World as we know it.


End file.
